Unfiltered beauty…kind of

Currently I am sitting in my chemo room as Benadryl gets pumped into my veins. They say it’s to deter allergic reaction to chemo. I say it’s my weekly slice of bliss. So as I float through the next few hours, I’ll give you some food for thought….

We all have body issues. Every single one of us. This is especially found in woman with stage 4 breast cancer. Many of us lose our hair. Others lose toe nails. finger nails and even jaw bones. Some of us go through weight gains and lose. And then there is the absence of breasts. We are broken and stitched back together and then broken again.

Over the last few months I have take selfies of myself during chemo. Many of them I have sent to loved ones. Some I took for the fun of it. Many I kept. Most though were deleted. I would look at them and think to myself “wow I look horrible”. I’d then filter and see myself with no freckles, no bags under my eyes and no blemishes. I would paint a picture of beauty through cancer. And it was false to an extent.

Me filtered is still me and sometimes is how I feel on the inside. My old college friend Nat said to me today, “work on character as our bodies fade fast.” And she was right. As I go through the journey and I see the changes in my body and face, I become more humble. This is me, unfiltered and honest. I don’t know if I will ever feel beautiful on the outside again. That can be filtered. Who I am on the inside will never see a filter and therefore needs to be more beautiful than I was on the outside. And that my friends is the unfiltered truth in life.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Pat rye says:

    You are beautiful inside and out!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Vrye says:

    As are you! ♥️

    Like

  3. Ilene says:

    I love the beard – you like I treat our blog readers to multimedia versions of the things one cannot put quite into words. The exhaustion, the hope, the days when we really really hate being there, the Benadryl infusion I used to like so much – so many pages of scribble to the pen running off of the paper and staining the back of my hand. I appreciate your loving kindness and am grateful that you share the look of your deep self – showing in your eyes, your face, the physicality of you. It’s only in a photo someone has the opportunity to see what we mean, if they dare look. I’ve found people do not like to look but turn away. If it’s guilt or something else. Like a mirror to what could be for them, a reminder of what once was. I do not understand the reluctance to see – really see us in this horrific poisoning, the loneliness and the hope that surrounds us like a light but is there.

    Thank you so much for the photos. Taxol put me at odds with my body, but I heal quickly especially in soft tissue and strangely only lost 1/2 y brows and a third of my hair. I cut mu hair short in anticipation of the clumps which I didnt want to see but now it wont grow long anymore. I miss my femininity and need to find a way to use creative scarves, hats, and the “halo” of hair that I fit underneath when I want to feel more girlie. All of it sucks. Now I have no body hair. My eyebrows never really grew in but that’s a minor complaint for still being here today to say something more than “what am I doing here?”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Vrye says:

    That’s the tough part for us. We look for femininity vs feel it within. It was easier the first two dances with cancer. I knew there would be hair again, there would be a healthy look again, and the pain would be gone. This time I know my looks, my feelings and who I am will change and morph over time. I will never be who I was again. But as you said all small prices to pay for the blessings I receive each day by being here with my family.
    It’s important for us to show the beautiful side of cancer and the ugliness. Perhaps with this people won’t stop and stare or turn away…perhaps they will extend a hand, hug or push for our future generations to have a cure. (Or finally release what I know they have…)
    Sending you love and enjoy painting on those dream eyebrows! Mine were over plucked from the 90s so now my painted ones are thicker! 😜

    Like

  5. You’re beautiful inside and out! Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Vrye says:

    ♥️🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Vyre…you are awesome…
    Life is full of ups and downs…we wanna create a world of our own.. which makes our heart happy…
    Have a great life ✨

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Rhea Jakusz says:

    So beautiful, inside and out!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Vrye says:

    Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Vrye says:

    Thank you Rhea♥️

    Like

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