Today was a day off for 2/3rds of the family, meaning I was woken up at 6am with pleas to play Minecraft. If you haven’t tried, I beg you to. If not for yourself then to earn the title of “Coolest Mom Evahhhh”. I cherish the weekends and days off that promise nothing but snuggles. And our little one surprised me by making me a perfect cup of coffee. Train them early, friends. First coffee and soon he will master the wine pour.

As we snuggled in bed, he asked me his typical weird questions and told me equally weird and fascinating things. Did you know that eels and grouper work together to hunt?? It’s when we have those quiet mom/son times that we have some of our best conversations. Most are silly and sweet but occasionally some are filled with deep questions that in the beginning I didn’t know how to answer.

We try not to lie to E. Not since he figured out that Target isn’t closed on cloudy, cold, Tuesdays, insert any excuse aka lie here…We want him to be an honest person so we try and model that behavior. That gets tricky when we talk about Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy and the other childhood protective shields. Even trickier when your child asks you if you are going to die. Can’t really lie your way out of that one with clouds.

Our son then 5yrs old was sitting on a step as I was helping him with his shoes. He looked at me and said, “Do you have the same cancer that sent Aunt Mary to heaven?” My breath caught. My brain screamed every curse word I know and I may have whispered, “fucking hell”. Up to this point we had not even addressed it with him. Sure we talked about it in hush whispers but never really around him. We wanted his childhood happy and for what ever reason we didn’t think this was possible if he knew. After a few moments to think of a way to get out of this moment (yep coward), I realized I needed to use a momism…the truth will hurt less than a lie…and respect our son. So in that moment I told him. Not what I pictured that moment to be. I stuttered, said fuck a few more times, wanted a shot of whiskey and honestly wish my husband was there to take the reins on this one. But I did tell him the truth. No I don’t have the same cancer but I do have another cancer that will eventually send me to heaven (thats a crap shoot). Surprisingly he simply hugged me, told me God would take care of me and then went off to play Minecraft.

Now there have been breakdowns by all three of us since then but overall I’m glad he’s in the know. After a few weeks of scared little tears and promises I know I can’t keep, he now asks me if my old boobies were smaller than the water balloons I have now. Typical boy. And yes they were much smaller. Go big or go bigger is another momism. Both the husband and I try not to talk about the big C too much, we are Tauruses, but E is filled with questions. He’s like a mini therapist with a chocolate smile and toxic gas.

He’s guided both my husband and me on this journey. Some how that little shit has taught us both not to give power to a word or a disease. We live life through the moments we make. He will remember the snuggles, Minecraft mornings and my smile as he surprised me with coffee. And that is a lesson we all should hold close.

#cancer #fuckcancer