My journey with God has been one filled with innocence, doubt, questions and unquestioning belief. And to this day I know my journey hasn’t even begun to see all there is.

As a child, I was raised in what I have affectionately called a phone book faith. My father was raised a Catholic and my mother was raised a Lutheran. We have belonged to Lutheran, Baptist and Protestant churches. I have attended mass at many Catholic Churches from Wausau to Winona to Paris. I studied Buddhism in Japan. And was an atheist for a short time while living in Madison. Eventually, I returned to my christian faith.

Driving home tonight in a beautiful thunderstorm, I was listening to one of Es favorite christian bands Mercy Me. I spent the weekend with one of my most devout friends and she made a comment about listening to christian music when she simply just needs a bit of faith. So there I was driving down our country road needing a bit of faith.

A song came on that reduced me to tears. So much so that I needed to pull over. Between the rain outside and the rain of my soul I couldn’t see. The lyrics touched me and provided comfort. I’ve heard countless times the words “how can God do this to someone like you when there are horrible people out there that deserve cancer” or “why aren’t you angry that this is on your plate”. To be honest I was never really sure why. I told everyone it was my faith but I had no way to explain why it was faith.

I know in my heart if God wanted to cure me of cancer He would and He could. With one word, one whisper He would make me whole. He would allow me to see my son grow and get married. He would allow me to grow grey(er) with the love of my life. Knowing this doesn’t make me angry. It makes me hopeful. And to know if He can do this for me, He can do this for the countless other in pain.

I’m calm in this storm. I cry seas of sorrow but it never floods my faith. Even if He chooses to not cure my illness, I know He hears my prayers. And that alone is enough because He gives me strength to find the joy and love in each moment.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K6B8SjPxo8o