Panic attacks. I have friends who have had them and to be honest never really understood them, simply because I’ve never experienced one that I know of. Depression? Yes. Anxiety? Yes. A full fledge panic attack? No, until last night I think…

Last night I was laying in bed reading and for some reason I felt like I needed to calm my brain. There was no reason for this thought just one I kept saying over and over as I read. “Breathe. Just read your book. Calm your brain.” The more I said it the faster my heart began to pound and that quickly turned into a shortness of breath. Sitting up I remembered something I had heard a few weeks ago on a video my friend sent me. “Your enemy is most afraid of your voice. He’s most afraid of you coming into agreement not with your strength but with God’s strength.”

Putting down my book I closed my eyes and prayed over and over to God that he carried me through this panic attack, if that was what it was. I didn’t pray that He stop it. I prayed for Him to hold me through it. Big step for me. It took a few hours but I finally drifted to sleep.

After getting E and myself out the door this morning we jumped in the car to make the commute. A song came on by Casting Crowns, Let Me Dream For You, and these words hit me like a soothing balm….

I am realizing that through this journey I am not relying on my strength. I am relying on a higher power to make my song a greater one.

Having that mini attack was needed. I have markers in a few weeks and I am terrified. They are just numbers but to me they are like an hourglass of how much time I have left with my family. But I need to trust the Plan. It just takes a mini panic attack to remind me of that.

Last weekend, E asked me “Mom do you know why I tell you I love you all of the time? Because I know you won’t be here my whole life so I need to fit a lifetime in before you die.” Our 7 year old gets it. He’s controlling what he can control, letting go of the rest and is in agreement with God’s strength and Plan.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R8nsJZx8eWw