Last week I had my markers test. Of course it falls on a holiday week for us here in the US. Lots to be thankful for but closed labs and out of office doctors isn’t one of those things.

My bloodwork posts on their online portal and despite knowing my markers wouldn’t be released till my doc reviews them I still found myself refreshing the screen to see if they posted. Not once. Not three times. Countless times. 9am. 9:15am refresh. Breathe. 9:30am refresh. This went on all weekend, including waking up at 2am and checking again.

I have heard from so many that markers don’t matter. Refresh. They are just a measurement. Refresh. They can be impacted by colds, stress, life, etc. Refresh. Don’t read into them. Refresh. But to me and thousands of others we live and breathe by these numbers. Literally. Refresh. In a prognosis that we can’t control, numbers make sense. Refresh. So every 3 months, my life and the lives of my loved ones are spent waiting on numbers to see if another piece of sand falls through the hourglass that is my life. Refresh.

Breathe. Refresh. Try to spend time with Chris and E. Refresh. Paste a smile on your face you depressed slug. Refresh. Fuck!!! Fuck you cancer!!! Fuck….I’m so tired of fighting. Refresh. Seriously get it together.

Mike from the hospital called today. He’s a new one. Said that he saw my messages (yep messagesssss) and figured I couldn’t wait till Thursday. Markers increased. Breathe. Don’t worry says Mike. Heard you are strong says Mike. I’m tired says the 9 year old Ginia Jo in my head. I’m pissed says the 25 year old G$ in my head. I’m sad says the 44 year old Virginia in my head. Alright, thanks for calling Mike says the responsible shell of a woman.

Refresh. Or maybe not. Why refresh a page that doesn’t bring joy? Why refresh a page that brings stress? Maybe the answer is not to refresh but to simply start a new holding tightly to loved ones with hope, love and determination.

Renew.