I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t meet for lunch today. I said I was sick when to be honest I’m just too tired.

I’m sorry I canceled on you again. I said something came up when in honesty I just can’t deal with any more “how are you seriously?”s.

I’m sorry I haven’t visited in awhile. I don’t tell you why but to be honest the drive is just to much for me physically.

I’m sorry I’m not the friend I was three, two, one year(s) ago.

I’m sorry I’m not more.

Maintaining friendships can be tough. There are a few that are naturally easy, like my friend of 40 years that hasn’t seen me in over a year yet we both take what we can get. Quality over quantity. Then there are others that need more. And that’s ok too.

A year or two ago, I would have had the energy to give more. Now I’m just tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally tired. I want to scream “There is nothing left of me to give!!!” by the end of the week. And frankly as much I want to see everyone, I want to snuggle with our son and my husband more.

This all sounds horribly selfish and mean. What a problem to have. To have many friends who want to spend time with you. Who actually can tolerate your crazy. Again, I recognize how spoiled and selfish this sounds.

It sounds that way because as humans specifically women we are groomed to be everything to everyone. We need to say yes to others before we say yes to ourselves. Sundays are our day of rest unless there’s a game on in which case then we need to create an epic tailgating meal worthy of Lambeau Field.

Why are we expected to be Doris Day’s on steroids? Or do we do this to ourselves?

Now this isn’t meant to dog on men, or specific friends, or even take away from the fact that I can be a really crappy friend. Relationships are a two way street and I realize that my side of the street has been under construction for a few years.

My mom has said for years she won’t call my house because that was my family time. Instead of saying thank you for understanding, I took it as an offense. That I was not making time for her and should feel guilty. I needed to be more and I was falling short. I had friends drive from GB last month to meet me halfway and half the day I felt guilty for making them drive to me. Not because of anything they said. It was all me that manifested this guilt.

The calls, texts, Marco polos that it takes me days (and weeks) to respond to…..when I say it’s not you, it’s me I truly mean it. It’s all me. My health shouldn’t be an excuse because others before me with it even worse have done better. But this is me and these last 3 years have taken a toll.

I want to be more and do more. I truly do. This week one of my employees asked, “How are you feeling?” When I asked why (assuming I looked like shit) she said, “You just never stop. You are non stop. I’m wondering if you just need to simply rest.” She’s right. But this is me resting. I feel like half of me is somewhere napping.

From someone who always said yes (except for that one time 😉) I’m sorry I’m saying no more often. I know it’s weird. And I’m sure it’s hurtful. But see I can’t have you over without cooking a spread of food. That’s me. And now that sets me back a day health wise. So I need to say no. And I can’t drive long distance for a day of visiting like I used to. These bones are getting weak and I need them to last for my work days and reserve the miles for Evan.

I need to reserve my yeses. Not for those that need them more but for moments I need more. The moments with Chris and E.

So again I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got cancer again and changed our relationship. Trust me I would have signed up for something easier! I’m sorry I seem more self absorbed than ever before. Unfortunately that comes with the territory. I’m sorry you feel the way my inaction makes you feel. I’m sorry I’m not more. I’m just me.

Right now this needs to be enough.