“It is not down in any map; true places never are” -Melville

I read that yesterday and thought, wow ain’t that the truth. There is no map in life. Try to make one and you will only encounter disappointment. True things like love, family and friendships are unguided. They are organic, real and off the beaten path.

The last two weeks have been tough. Between the “safe at home”, working from home, trying to homeschool, battling cancer and my internal demons musing about death and life, I’m just over it all. As I know everyone is. I don’t want this to be our new normal. I want this to simply be a side trip on a journey to a truer place.

Last week was my rock bottom. Screaming, crying and utter depression hit me like Mack truck. I was down for the count literally. Hiding in our spare bedroom, under the covers and trying not to cry every time I looked at E or Chris. Heading to the doc to get my markers I was prepared for the worst news. Actually anticipated them to be high. But as always God had another plan.

Markers cut by over half. Oral chemo is working. And then the sun came out. Plants were deliver by our dear friends, Anne and Lou. And then seeds came for our victory garden from my in-laws nursery and greenhouse. They have a place up north in Townsend, Wi that brings a calming peace to my weary mind.

https://m.facebook.com/rockyridgegreenhouse/

When I think of all the plans I made; growing old with Chris, dancing with E at his wedding, bouncing my grandkids on my knees and teaching them about herbs; I get sad. I know that plan, that path is not for me. There is no map here and that’s what I need to remember. True places rarely have a map. I guess that’s just another way to say “Let go. Let God.”