Last night I drank too much wine and all the demons of worry entered my brain. There’s so much I hide, so many tears I don’t shed. I do it for my husband, my son, my loved ones. Never appear weak. Stiff upper lip. Well last night after ALOT of wine that all crashed.
I’m scared. I’m sad. And I worry constantly. The amount of stress I carry is getting very heavy. Over 20 years I’ve been fighting what I know is a losing war. That’s not giving up. That’s reality. And I’m so tired.
Evan told me this morning that even when I die I will never leave him or dad because their love for me is that strong. He’s 8. He’s 8 and he knows one day I will leave him.
Chris tells me to keep fighting and remain positive. He believes there’s still hope. He’s 48. He’s 48 and he knows one day I will leave him.
So why are all these thoughts bubbling up to the surface? Markers more than doubled. Scans are next week and doc suspects my cancer is spreading to my organs. My cancer….like I own it. I don’t own shit. Right now it’s owning me.
Sorry. I know these posts scare you. I know I’m supposed to smile and be positive so you feel better. But see I have a husband and son that I never want to leave. And I’m scared.
Never leave. The one promise I can’t keep.
Take Three 
Cancer is scary. Cancer is relentless. You have been fighting for so long. It’s completely understandable you feel weary. May you know that those of us who know what an amazing human you are, we feel helpless, but we believe in you. We HATE cancer right along with you. You are handling all of this with such grace. You go ahead and have a wine breakdown any time you damn well please! You are strong. Strength isn’t always fighting it’s also being vulnerable and real. I love you.
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I love you too Tina
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I agree with Tina. Have your breakdowns, scream, cry. You do not always have to keep a stiff upper lip…we are here to pick you up. We are here to take on the fight when you are tired. We are here to pray, to hug, to wrap our love around you. It sucks….it is something I put to the back of my mind. I do not want to lose you, I do not want to imagine a day when Evan does not have his mom, when Chris does not have his wife, when I do not have my sister, my partner in crime. We are here…lean on us. Love you Rory….
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I love you Lorelei
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My heart breaks hearing your markers doubled. You are such an incredible wife, mama, and human! I am so grateful our paths crossed at BMO when they did. I couldn’t have made it through a trying season without you. I am glad you are feeling all the feels and allowing others a window into what you’re feeling. People who know you well will create space for you to continue to process everything you’re feeling. You are deeply loved.
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Im so thankful I had you during that time too. We kept ourselves sane! Sending you love!
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