This week found me convincing my doctor to let me resume chemo despite still being on antibiotics. He knew it was a losing argument and gave me the green light. How strange…to want more poison in my body. Not something I would have argued for a few short years ago. But the present has me wanting to get back on track with my treatment. My plan.

What did I learn this last month? I have cancer. And no amount of pretending I don’t, won’t make it go away. It is my normal. It is who I am. Not all of me but a big piece. So in that there are mountains to climb. There are hurdles to jump over. There will be thunderstorms of tears. There will be dark shadows that cover my heart in fear. There will be unknowns. But there is a Plan.

My friend Stef asked if I ever thought that God wasn’t necessarily trying to teach me something? That perhaps he was using me to teach others. Interesting question. I think it’s a bit of both. Even at my best I still need help to look outside myself and see the world through kinder eyes. To be a kinder person. The thought of being a lesson for others is a bit overwhelming to think about. For me it’s easier to have faith in God’s unknown plan for me than to think about being another’s lesson.

As I plan out Es homeschooling lessons for this next year, I see the similarities. I can plan for math lessons Monday-Thursday but at the end of the day that plan can go out the window with something as simple as dad saying “it’s beautiful outside let’s go on an adventure instead.” And I need to be ok with that. I need to embrace that.

Have faith and trust God’s Plan. Understand that what might seem like a lack of direction could simply be a new path in God’s Plan. And I brought my walking stick if you want to join me.