It’s spring here and just like those buds that are beginning to bloom, I think so am I. A seed was planted and it continues to be watered by my gardeners.

Shortly before I had my stay in the hospital, I attended a seminar for work. Multitasking as normal, I’d have to admit I wasn’t paying the seminar my full attention. Suddenly in the recess of my mind the new speaker stood up and said “You may want to listen now.” That speaker was Dr. Fred Johnson.

So I listened. I absorbed and I grew. Strength in vulnerability. Leadership in every avenue of life. That tiny seed that had laid dormant for years began to wonder and believe. I reached out to Dr Fred and can you imagine he responded.

Wham…I’m in the hospital. I’m despondent, I’m depressed…I’m defeated. I’m also guarded as trust so fragile was betrayed again. And once again I bury myself deeper into what I now recognize as the dirt of depression.

Not one to give up; Dr Fred and his associate Jennifer called, emailed and and tried to connect through social media. We finally connect and talk, and share and open up. I feel emotionally stronger.

A few weeks go by. I come home to three dresses I bought for a trip I’m planning. Excitedly I rush to try them on. Instant tears. I’m gross. I weigh more than I’ve ever weighed. Chemo has me looking pregnant. That self punching bag session leads to I’m scarred, bald, disgusting. Chris finds me crying. His gentle quiet nature surrounds me. He repeats I’m not gross. But I continue to look in the mirror not recognizing the woman staring back at me.

Work. Yes I’m still working so I guess I got that going for me. Mags asks me if I have ten minutes to grab a coffee before work. Dawn is grinning behind her. They see my depression. Yes! Yes I do! I’m so desperate for happiness. Her response…then you have ten minutes to workout with us. What?! Fuck!!! How did I walk into that one? So I commit because I want to support my people. Little did I know….

Two weeks almost in the books. I work out each morning. Chris even bought me Hoka shoes to keep me moving. Breakfast has changed. No coffee. Salad for lunch. Healthy dinner. Walking and no wine during the week. I bought Dr Fred’s book on leadership and read it each morning before work. I try to surround myself with positivity. Last weekend I spent the weekend outside building a platform for our greenhouse with Chris. I felt like me circa BC…before cancer. He smiled all day. I smiled all day. He pushed my physical limits knowing I needed to feel strong again…and I did.

All of those pieces; Dr Fred and Jennifer’s words of wisdom, Maggie and Dawn’s workout trickery, Chris’s calm and steady reassurance; like a gentle rain helped me come out of my depressive dormancy. I’m finding me again. I’m a seedling still….very fragile and in need of light. But I’m getting there. With my gardeners…I’m believing in me again. With these strong roots of positivity and a little determination…I’m getting there. I’m finding me.