Something that can or has both favorable and unfavorable consequences. This seems to be a common theme the further along this journey I walk. I walk along carrying this double edged sword, sometimes it’s used for good…other times it seems like I cut with the wrong side of the blade.

Honesty. Honest feelings. Loved ones have been begging for it. Stop saying you are fine! How are you really feeling! Tell me the truth! Ok. So I start being more honest. I start what I see as complaining. And because I’m me I apologize every time. My feet are killing me. I’m exhausted. The edema sucks. I might be going into heart failure. Driving takes a toll. I’m bloated. I’m sad. I’m annoyed. I’m angry. I’m confused. Wow….ball of fun right? And then what happens? It becomes too much for some of the loved ones and rightfully so. It’s too much for me.Be careful what you wish for.

Some others have a different take to that nasty, annoying side. My sisters both said it makes them happy. They feel like I need them more. It makes them have a purpose or job in this fight. They see an opportunity to give me help so I can have more time for happiness. I think they like the power they feel when cleaning my kitchen….

There is no wrong or right way for any of us in this including my loved ones and honestly I’m still figuring this out. I’m going to lash out. And I’m going to get tired of the questions or defending my new restrictions and limitations. So in advance I apologize. Everyone is battling something. Compassion and empathy is needed.

Meds…the other new double edged sword. So good news! Markers are stable and decreasing. Taxol is doing its job. Ive always been proud and my doctors amazed at my limited side effucks. And to be honest they are still limited. 5 yrs with stage IV cancer. Still working over 40 hrs. Still traveling. Only 1 hospital stay. Still walking. Still living! I’m so blessed. This year though…wow. Septic shock. Gabapentin the devils drug. Neuropathy. Edema. More testing to come regarding my heart and heart failure. Exhaustion. Good news…septic shock I survived! And I guess the exhaustion could still be a side effuck of that. Gabapentin side effucks and Gabapentin are gone. Neuropathy is almost gone! Whaaaat? Yep. B Complex is helping that. Not so much fun news….edema is out of hand. This is what has them worried about the heart. Blood work looks good but the edema is so bad the skin is cracking. My body is trying to find an escape for all the fluid. We are trying everything. (And I’m a mental crazy mess. That’s the “be honest with us” part though. Pandora’s box on that request my friends.)

So Taxol is doing it’s job but there are those nasty side effucks on the other side of the sword. And that other side bleeds into the honesty part from above. Everyone in my life is used to me not looking or acting like I have cancer. But I do. I’ve carried it in my body on and off for 20yrs. And I’ve fought so hard. Me finally having side effucks is not me giving up, me looking like Ghandi as my nurse jokingly called me is not me giving up. This is simply me. I’m still there. I just look different and honestly think different at times. But it’s still me.

So I have a choice with this sword. I can only use one side in this battle or I can use both. Because while I’d love to simply throw the damn heavy thing down, I do have a battle to win. And I need both sides of that sword to win. Who’s with crazy, broken, still smiling me?

Ps….special shout out to Chris and E. Always by my side taking care of me. ❤️❤️