Last week I posted a video that sparked a lot of emotion. The basis of the video was what happens after we die. How over time people begin to go back to normal life. They go back to work, school, vacations…they go back to life before you left just life minus you. And the comments ranged from borderline angry at the video to sadness to agreement. Death and loss bring emotions that are all over the board. I was actually quite shocked by the amount of comments and the very personal emotions that it invoked. And I did it on purpose.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my second mother, Betty. She had the best hugs and always a kind word of encouragement for me. She pushed me to attend church more and would scold me when I swore. Her home always smelled like, home. And there were doilies literally everywhere. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. She lived with the love of her life John in my bestfriend’s home. Stef built her house with them both in mind. When I would visit, would visit their side first to share a glass of wine with them. Most of the time Stef wouldn’t bother texting to find out where I was because she knew I was on their side of the house. John’s anniversary of passing is in a few days. He couldn’t live life without his bride and sadly passed from a broken heart. The pain of their loss rips me in two. I can’t imagine the pain Stef feels daily. Time does not ever heal that.

My parents celebrated 60 years of marriage this past year. 60 years. 4 kids, 7 grand kids and a lifetime of memories. They are struggling with health issues and it is heartbreaking to watch. My father has taken care of my mom since he was a teenager. And my mom has made sure he had a home, family and love to come home to each night. They are each other’s heart and soul. Every night they have held hands and said the Lord’s prayer together. Yes there were hard times but I have never doubted my parent’s love for one another or for us kids. I know I will soon feel the heartache of loss. I already do. I am not ready to say goodbye to my parents. I want more time. I want to go back to being 10 years old, sitting on the back porch snapping green beans with my mom and grilling with my dad. I want to hear my mom sing to 1960 music and play stock market with with dad. I want more time.

It’s a thief isn’t it, time? We go about life, laughing and crying, loving and fighting….never thinking this might be the moment when everything changes. Time steals and we aren’t the wiser until we turn around and we no longer are embracing our loved ones, we are simply grasping memories hoping they don’t slip from our fingertips.

I am waiting for the results of the biopsy from last week and frankly, I am terrified. And the flashing neon word is TIME. How much, how little, how long? So much has been taken from us with this disease but none of that matters. Time matters. How does one with this diagnosis live normally yet try to make every moment matter? How do I get back the time that I didn’t know I was losing? And can I take those memories of my time with me?

The video was meant to make people think. Life does go on after we depart and head to whatever place you believe in. Our loved ones remain holding onto the memories but they do move forward, making a life minus us. Casseroles get eaten, some tossed. Visits get fewer and the calls to see how the family is doing cease. Because it has to. Time moves us forward. God has given each of us an incredible gift of time. Regardless of the length, 20 yrs or 60yrs, it’s still a gift. So while I wish I had more time, I am so incredibly thankful for the time that I have had and continue to have. Time may be a thief but while it steals minutes time can’t steal memories. On the contrary, if time is lived well it provides a lifetime of memories.

“The trouble is, you think you have time.”-Buddha