She used to be a dancer, pirouettes on butterfly wings.

She used to be a seamstress, sewing a little girl’s ballet dreams.

She used to be a seamstress. My mom has always been an artist. When she wasn’t sewing all of the costumes for my ballet school, she was creating something at home. She was the best at looking at the clouds and finding the fox chasing a grasshopper. Her brain is one of the most creative minds and most she is so underestimated. A brilliant mind. That’s fighting to remember the day, the year, the love of her life…

She is used to be a dancer. I was born with a genetic hip disorder. It was very mild and my pediatrician, Dr Monaco, thought dance might help. Little did he know he would change my life with that suggestion. From the age of 5 I turned, leapt and tip toed my days away. I studied with great ballet schools and masters. Practiced until my feet bled with a smile on my face. Even today I pride myself in the use of my legs and how they gracefully allow me to dance through life. Long strong bones. That are fighting to stay upright and keep this broken body dancing.

My mama has Lewy Body Dementia. I’m saying it out loud on a public forum for the first time. With my parents blessing of course. My beautiful mama and her beautiful mind are slipping from us. And it rips me apart. My father said to me the other day, “The love of my life is losing her mind and my little girl is losing her body. And there is nothing I can do to save you two.” And he’s right.

Used to be. Those three little words. It’s sad how those three words some how bring grief or sadness. Yes there is a level of pride one feels but also sadness. She used to be an artist with a needle and thread. She used to dance with some of the greats and man could she tear up a bar counter. Think Coyote Ugly…that was me in college. Never said I limited my skills to classical music. But that’s for another blog. Used to be…

She’s a mom of 4 children. She’s a bride of 60yrs. Some days she’s the vice president of her new residence. And some days she’s just tired.

She’s a mom. She’s a wife of almost 20yrs. She loves her greenhouse and she makes the best mashed potatoes. And some days she’s just tired.

We can focus on the used to be or we can focus on who we are now. Embrace the world we are currently in. My mama has taught me that. When I step through her door or call her I know I’m stepping into her new world. Who she is now. And that’s enough for me. It’s hard for me to show that same grace to my body. Every ache screams but I used to be a dancer. Walker? Cane? Hell no. I’m not disabled. But here’s the deal…I am. It’s who I am today. Not who I was 20 yrs ago.

So as I think of who my mom is today instead of lamenting who she used to be I realize I need to do the same for myself. I may not be even who I used to be 2 yrs ago. Used to be. It no longer matters.

My mom has Lewy Body Dementia. I have Stage 4 Breast Cancer. We both used to be something. Today we are two strong women, mothers and wives to the loves of our lives. We are still worthy of love, grace and patience. Because what we used to be is only a piece of who we are today and who we will be tomorrow.